Douchebag Awareness Ribbon by Kate Morris

I wrote last week about the ways that dudes are unintentionally (or very intentionally) crappy to women. I’m told that I scared the daylights out of a lot of dudes with that list.

But I would like to add that I know men—even men who’ve behaved badly before—who’ve figured out how to get over their dicks and be awesome. Here are ways, off the top of my head, that you can be rad!

• Realize that the chick hitting on you is extremely intoxicated, so make sure she gets home safely and then go to your own house and watch Batman cartoons while eating Burger King
• Switch to water after a couple drinks so you can drive yourself and others home okay—and not the “Montana” definition of a couple drinks, which is more like five
• Quit doing annoying things when women ask you to
• Invite a woman you have a crush on to your house party, wear a Wu-Tang sweater, wait for her to decide if she wants to make the first move
• Learn how to actually dance, not just bump n grinding, and ask a woman to dance at a show (you can take lessons in this or just check out YouTube videos, FYI)
• Don’t be pushy if she’s ghosting you, even if it seems inexplicable (some mysteries are better not revealed, trust me)
• If you’re not interested in having sex with her again, tell her politely via text message that you’d like to stay just friends from here on out. Stick to it and don’t backtrack when you get wasted.
• Have the fixins for breakfast tacos in your fridge at all times. (this is just a good life goal in general)
• If you’re making out and the girl says she’d like to just keep it at that level, literally keep your pants on. She might change her mind in a little while, but that’s up to her.
• Carry condoms! (pro tip: you can order custom-fitted condoms on the internet, there’s several sites besides that one)
• Ask for consent during every part of the foolin’ around process, whether it’s “hey can I make out with you” to “hey I’d like to go down on you”, etc etc
• If you’re having trouble getting your dick to work, take the focus off of it and just pay attention to her.
• If y’all have been up late sexing, and you can’t get off, it is totally okay to say “Let’s cuddle and sleep and try again later.”
• Apologize profusely if the condom breaks! Offer solutions!
• Wait until you’ve been having sex for a while to disclose any fantasies/kinks
• Stay close by her side if she’s meeting all of your friends at a party or bar for the first time
• Have a clean (or clean-ish) bathroom
• Offer admiration if she wears a delicate undergarment you particularly like, but don’t neg her if her underwear isn’t your taste (unless you are also willing to wear a thong, mmkay)
• Mind your stubble if you’re sticking your chin in various sensitive areas
• Snapchat pictures of yourself doing laundry
• Remember her cat’s name, scratch its ears even if you claim to hate cats
• Ask her how she likes to get off
• This:

all right, everybody, that’s enough of highly personal lists for me. signing off once again.